Obligatory Olympics postIn case you've been hiding under a rock with cotton wool in your ears and squid ink in your eyes, there's a Olympic Games going on in China. I think it's gotten off to a great start, with highlights including a fantastic opening ceremony and the banning of Channel 9 from Olympic events for a whole week.
As with all Olympics, the Beijing Games have a handful of new sports that might catch on, or fall by the wayside like that stupid funny walking one should have. Here are some of the lesser known events debuting during the Beijing games, heavily slanted in China's favour of course.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Obviously geese and ganders are Western devils and we are thankful that our communist (*wink*) overlords decide what's good for us all. Wait, is that a source of unfiltered Internet? Not in my homeland! Is that a meditative breathing lesson, or a Falun Gong conspiracy meeting? Go for gold sorting the patriotic wheat from the subversive chaff.
Bonus points for promising unrestricted Internet access to international journalists and then revoking it at the last minute, leaving no time to be pressured otherwise.
China's podium threats: Singapore, Iran, countries with high transient airport traffic.
What's the point of banning things if your people openly flout your authority? Meet their weakness with strength, as is one of the pillars of the Olympic movement. Don't like the look of your neighbour? Inform the IOC before the event and you might get to see your neighbourhood on international TV.
In a country of 1.3 billion (with a B) people, it's inevitable that an event like this would come across on TV as a giant game of Whack-A-Mole. As such, "event volunteers" will be colour-coded based on their persecution, be it religious, political, ethnic or otherwise.
China's podium threats: Burma/Myanmar, Zimbabwe, Sudan, any country mentioned in the first five minutes of the SBS World News.
Have you seen the air in Beijing lately? Frankly, no-one has in the last five years for all the industrial particulate hanging around. I wouldn't be surprised if a javelin was halted in mid air. Anyone who breathes in that crap deserves a medal, and this is their chance. Events include the 'Freeway Peakhour Marathon' and the 'Gulp, Hold and Don't Die'. Environmental vandalism has never smelt so good.
China's podium threats: Australia. We make a competition out of cockroaches racing.
Those crusading imperialists think that they rule the world with their demonic computers. Mother China knows best! Preferencing computers over humans to deliver vital services exposes the society to a new weakness. Punish these miscreants for their arrogance and break into their military computer networks.
China's podium threats: Russia, Romania, Israel (Shhh! Who said that? Not me...).
When Whitey needs to buy something, from the smallest Pokemon Christmas tree decoration to the largest plasma TV, China is his go-to guy. What's a Happy Meal without a toy? A burger and chips is what. Take a guess where those Australian flags that idiots wear as capes were made.
Thankfully the draconian rule of 'no professionals are allowed in Olympic events' from yesteryear is long gone and these athletes are free to be paid their corporate Nike "sponsorship" of 20c/hr, plus three toilet breaks per week.
China's podium threats: Thailand, Indonesia, Vietnam.
Can't fill the spectator seats? Bus in a few dozen rent-a-crowds. Couldn't be bothered letting off fireworks? Dodgy some up for the telecast. Pretty girl can't sing? Dub the talented girl over her. Perception is reality and when you have the world's eyes on you, you better eat dreams and shit rainbows.
China's podium threats: El Dorado, countries with gypsies.
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Does any one have a link to confirm that rumour I keep hearing that the 2000 Olympics committee got all the poor people and Aboriginies out of Sydney, gave them a pittance and dumped them three or four hours away in a regional centre?
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