Workin 9 to 5. What a way to waste a living.

Well, Dr dooshy got hisself a new job sah. I was going to write a post on it, about how the Government pays people so fucking much to do so fucking little, but buggered if I could make it sound the least bit interesting.

Instead, here's a handy bit of info on getting a job. Seeing as how I now advertise jobs, shortlist, interview, and then hire fags for new jobs at my new workplace, i'm a goddamn motherfucking expert on it. Need a job? I bet you do. Wiseguy, i'm looking directly at you.

Don't be asian. Unless you have a perfect grasp of the english language. There is nothing worse than having to explain 3 times on the phone to Lin Chan Wang Wong-Lee-Lee who you are and why you're calling. I am not an equal opportunity employer, so fuck you.

If you want a job interview, you better be happy to lie directly out of your arse in your resume. The only jobs you should be mildly truthful about are the places we'll be ringing for a reference. The rest, just tell us what the fuck we want to hear, just remember it all for the interview.

Be gay. The stereotypical fag we see on movies is neat, methodical and intelligent. Plus you won't be getting in the way of me pounding our more attractive female employees. Which i've already hired. (see point 4)
Please, please be attractive, and female. I can honestly say I would be much more likely to hire you if you're hot.
For fuck's sake, if you apply for a job, leave your fucking goddamn phone turned on, or return calls. I will try 3-4 times to get in touch with you for an interview. I don't care if you're at work/scuba diving/in hospital/at a funeral. Answer your motherfucking phone. How bad do you want the job anyway? Fuck.

Put the important shit we want to hear on the front page of your resume, and make it easy to read. I have to sort through a fucking American Buttload of resumes and shit and if i don't see something I like on the first page, it gets fucked off into the bin.
REMEMBER - There are no true equal opportunity employers. Mahachmed-al-al-Mohammed-bin-turbanderka will be much more likely to hire a fellow bearded turban wearing women oppressing fag than a white dude with the southern cross tattooed on his forearms. And vice versa.

Now get out there and get a job! You little tiger. I'm looking at you, Wiseguy.

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Comments

I see that racism, homophobia, ranking women on their appearance and a shortened attention span have all set in. Welcome to the workforce.

One of us.

silpheed

NOT WORKSAFE. Some warning please.

We printed out a resume for a CIT GD student recently, all clashing colours, rich black (thats 100%C 100%M 100%Y and 100%k) and (ugh) gradients. After printing out the rest of her horrendous aliased non bleeding folio I noticed that she put on a blurb about herself and her interests, failing to realise that no one actually cares. Her references were two of her teachers.

Yeah, I'd employ her.

Mat

In the future, please just assume that any post made by yours truly is non-worksafe.
I actually loaded up boredomistan today from work, then quickly closed it after scrolling past the photos i forgot i put in the post.

Dr dooshy

arseholes to work, it sux worse than school did.

krypto

Woohoo, two personal mentions, so famous. If i wanted a job i wouldn't be at uni would i? I'd rather stimulate my brain than have it stagnate whilst being a tiny meaningless cog in the giant meaningless machinery of capitalism. I've tried it and i'm not even good at it. Probably because i hate it and i constantly wonder why i'm forcing it upon myself. I have no scruples about using the welfare system to the best of my ability. Life is too fucking short to bow to social dictates and peer group guilt trips on how you spend the most precious thing you have (no, note your shiny golden-glowing vote! Your damned time in existence!) I take whatever i can get and i don't need much because i don't buy into the whole notion that i need to own the newest, shiniest piece of chinese-made waste-of-your-time in the first place. I'm satisfied with free and second-hand shit and i get more satisfaction out of getting a bargain and knowing that i'm finding a use for something that's been devalued for whatever reason and would otherwise be thrown on the pile of crap that we're all supposedly too good for and which developing nations would readily kill for. I also value my ability to go out to a gig, or go for a sail with mates or visit my folk's or geek out with board games or whatever the fuck i feel like doing when i'm not actively seeking the knowledge i need to help extend what little time i realise i've got. In time i may be in a position where my search might bring monetary reward with it, in the form of paid research or any job that i can honestly say isn't a waste of my time (and simply earning money for the sake of having money is a waste of time to me, especially when without it my standard of living still seems pretty good. Maslow was a big soft-cock - he should've stopped at the physiological layer, coz that's all we really need and we can all deal with limited to lacking upper-layer socially-instigated, conceptually abstract "needs" even if it seems scary from the middle of a society). If you think you can't live without anything that's not air, water, food, sleep and possibly shelter, then you've already been proven wrong by the loners, castaways, hermits and even psychopaths of history. We only think those lifestyles are deficient because we've been brought up to think like that by a Panopticon state that wants our doe-eyed compliance.

It's a mistake to lose sight of the fact that life and humanity is simply a by-product of the tendency of carbon to bond with itself and form chains, and by extension, RNA to replicate imperfectly. Humans aren't anything special - yet. We're like fruit; tools used by unthinking chemical building blocks simply doing what physics denotes they should, like a ball rolling down a hill, to spread more unthinking organic matter around. The fact that we can contemplate this idea is only the prelude to a vision that could see us shrug off our natural restraints and humanity (because the things that make us human are our weaknesses) and become something of the high esteem we preemptively hold ourselves in. This evolution is not going to happen by devoting resources (especially time) to social considerations. We're all in a mad race against the clock and none of us seem to realise it. Stop me if this is getting too Fight Club. But it's true - overwhelming odds are that your'e gonna die, and soon, relatively speaking. If someone said you were to die next week, what would you do? Ok, so make-a-wish doesn't have that much sway with columbian drug barons or the porn industry, but what would you do next? You'd at least take the day off work to enjoy the sun on your face and the wind at your back and the company of mates or family (or something equally gay). So why not do that every day? The future is an uncertain bastard. Stop me if this is getting too Dead Poets. But carpé diem. Don't sit and leaf through depressingly hopeful resumés sent by people who think getting the job you can give them is actually going to make them happy, simply by providing them with enough money so that they can go out and feel vaguely alive for 2 days out of 7, or scrimp enough to purchase some self-esteem-in-a-box and be in front of the Joneses for the few hours depreciation and built-in redundancy allows them. I'm looking at you, Doosh.