Dear DEVASTATOR
DR. DOOSHY HAS HAD AN ACCIDENT WITH A VACUUM CLEANER. I, DEVASTATOR, WILL BE DOING HIS BULLSHIT LOVE ADVICE COLUMN. PREPARE FOR RELATIONSHIP PERFECTION.
Dear Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR
Recently my wife left me after 20 years of marriage. We were high school sweethearts and have shared so many wonderful moments together. I had no idea that this was coming, and I certainly don't have any idea in how to deal with this. I see no silver lining to this cloud. How do I get on with my life?
- Lonely Guy
YOU PUNY WEAK HUMAN! IMMEDIATE SELF DESTRUCTION WILL LIMIT THE PITY YOU CREATE IN OTHER HUMANS KNOWN TO YOU. REPORT TO THE NEAREST MATTER REASSIGNMENT STATION FOR COMPOSTING.
Dear Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR
I just can't seem to pick up men. I've read all the books, I've given all the hints, and well... nothing. The only chance I have is when I go to sleazy bars, and even there I have problems. There's always so much competition for the good men! Help me Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR, what can I do to set myself apart from the pack?
- Desperate For A Man
EAT RIVALS! YOUR BIO-ORGANIC STRUCTURE WILL ABSORB THEIR PROTEINS AND OTHER AMINO ACIDS, STRENGTHENING YOU FOR CONSUMING MORE RIVALS.
Dear Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR
i've been crushing on this boy soooo bad. like, last week he told my bestie that he thought i was cute =^.^= so i told her to tell him that i thought he was cute too. weeeeeell yesterday i saw him cuddling up with my bestie and i thought OMG what a bitch!!1 she stole my man. what should i do? my mum says that there's plenty more fish in the sea, whatever that means. she's such an old bag. one time she called me on my powderpuff girls mobile and started yelling about child support or something because she thought she called my dad. like, LOL! whateva. so anyway i really really luv this guy *sigh* maybe stars ARE blind :-( god he is so perfect for me! he likes mcflurrys, i like mcflurrys. he likes that how to save a life song, i like that how to save a life song. he li
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
ENOUGH!
Dear Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR
I'm deeply in love with the man of my dreams, he's cute, funny and he helps out at the animal shelter on weekends. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I'm not in a wonderful dream. But lately, I've been thinking that things are a little TOO good. Where is the excitement? Where is the challenge? I feel like a kitten who has outgrown her ball of string. Oh Dr. Dooshy DEVASTATOR, what should I do to recapture that spark?
- Bored and Wistful
YOUR LETTER BROUGHT A TWINGE TO MY HEART, I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, GIRLFRIEND. I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE A TAKE-CHARGE KIND OF WOMAN, NOT BY WHAT YOU'VE SAID, BUT BY WHAT YOU'VE HELD BACK. I THINK THAT WHAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER NEED IS AN ADVENTUROUS WEEKEND AWAY, SAY A BUSHWALKING TRIP OR A CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING TREK. I THINK THAT YOU WILL FIND THAT VARIETY IS INDEED THE SPICE OF LIFE.
END COMMUNICATION.
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Dear DEVASTATOR
Is it really true that you can be rendered inoperable simply by shooting one of the three small round circles/holes on the back of your head, or was this something that my friends and I made up in grade two? I swear I saw this mentioned during one of your epic sieges against those pussy Autobots, but it's a little hazy - I was heavily into the red cordial at the time.
P.S. Can you please travel back in time and warn me not to be so stupid as to sell all my rare transformers to a kid's toy trading shop for a pittance. Reducing said establishment to rubble will also be acceptable.
P.P.S. Can you also have a word with Mr Spielberg, et al. to let him know no-one will NOT notice that Bumblebee used to be a Volkswagen and is now a freakin' CORVETTE. Ratchet used to be a red and white ambulance - sure he talked funny and was kind of gay in a cowboy-medic kind of way, but does he REALLY need to be reinterpreted as a damned HUMMER? It's just so bloody American, as American as an African American marine shouting such scintillating dialogue as "Bring it!" How much of a stake does GMC actually have in this film anyway?!
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