This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

Valentine's Day is coming up, a day when I envy the single and infirm more than usual. If your wallet is looking as sad as the grammar on heart candy, don't worry, here's some handy tips for handling Valentines Day on the cheap.

A puppy

Cost: FREE!
Romance quotient: 9/10

: This is the best that Google could do with SafeSearch on

Pets are not just for Christmas, they can also be for Valentines Day too! Once you get used to the little furball staring at you while you have sex, you'll wonder how you ever did without. Microchipping? Vaccination? Feeding? Don't let these material things get in the way of expressing your love. Ownership of the puppy also makes a great bartering chip in the inevitable break-up.

Surplus Easter eggs

Cost: $5/kg
Romance quotient: 4/10

Everyone loves chocolate, but those outrageous prices are such a mood killer. You need not settle for factory seconds or poison-scare-recalled Freddos, with a bit of pre-planning you too can be romancing your significant other for mere hundreds of cents. A week after Easter, supermarkets and department stores try to flog off the crap Easter eggs that they didn't sell, and started selling two months in advance. The savvy connoisseur can pick up kilos of the stuff, slightly toddler-licked, and cellar them away for next year's Valentines Day. Getting a kilo fatter is also a great excuse to dump them.

A radiograph of your heart

Cost: FREE! (if you're smart)
Romance quotient: 2/10

You can give your loved one a real picture of your heart, the very thing that sends blood to your genitals when you're feeling amorous. Chest x-rays don't just happen though, you'll need to plan ahead and fake some common heart disease symptoms to your doctor. Try some Atropine to get your heart rate up and erratic.

DISCLAIMER: Despite what I've written above, I do not endorse faking a heart condition. If you consider this, you truly are stupid and probably deserve death.

An engagement ring

Cost: :-(
Romance quotient: 10/10

Hahaha, just kidding.

Goon

Cost: $7.95
Romance quotient: 0/10, add 2 for each plastic cup consumed

Ahhh goon, the gift that keeps on giving. University students have known of the romantic properties of goon for generations, now you too can share in this cubic marvel. It's not uncommon to see goon being enjoyed by young lovers at such romantic getaways as the Coles carpark, or the post office steps. Goon has magical relationship building properties, a few cups of this wondrous elixir will have your partner telling you how much they truly love you. Really really really really love you. And hate their dad.

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