2006, a year in reviewIf there's one thing I hate more than Christmas, it's trudging through another year to get to the next Christmas. I reflect on the year of our lord, MMVI. That's 2006 for any of you who haven't seen the Rocky movies.
With Asia being Asia, new environmental disasters keep popping up every couple of weeks, snuffing out the brief glimmer of sympathy that the tsunami sparked in the average mouthbreather. We all shrug when 20,000 people are killed in an earthquake in Pakistan, and yet we're hot on the phone to Alan Jones when that little girl gets hit by a car again. You know the one I mean.
Prince meets girl, prince marries girl, tabloid media investigates which way she wipes, annoyed nobody writes about it in a blog. That old chestnut. Despite having never met Princess Mary, I can assuredly say that she has the personality of cardboard and has no intention of making a worthwhile contribution to her former country. Maybe "our Mary" should take some media pointers from "our Mel". At least he's good for a laugh after a few drinks (if alcohol weren't a Jewish conspiracy).
Surely New Idea and it's ilk will eventually get sick of her, like they did with Princess Diana five years after she died. Well, that's the theory anyway. You see, last year, Princess Mary spat out a spawnling. Royalty + babies = front cover of every magazine in the country until the baby prince is old enough to wear a Nazi SS uniform to a party. Danish tradition demands that this kid gets two choices for a name, Christian or Frederik. Neither of them are my name so I don't care for him.
Hands down, food of the year. Who would have thought that dried beef could be better than regular beef? At an outrageous $3 per tiny packet, it's a luxury that I reserve for payday.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when Werner Klemperer (Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes) died. I can't say the same for these nobodies:
Kerry Packer - Ugly as a hatful of arseholes, luckily he could afford a closed-casket ceremony. Actually died in late 2005.
Pro Hart - Now my carpet will skyrocket in value.
John Marsden - Defence lawyer for Ivan Milat AND Saddam Hussein, accused paedophile and all-round good guy.
Richard Carleton - Hit by Naomi Robson's makeup van.
Belinda Emmet - Who is this? I don't care about you.
Steve Irwin - Crikey! I'm dead! If you did what this guy did for a living, you couldn't expect a natural death.
Peter Brock - If you see an accident, and there's a tarp over the car door, that person has died.
Augusto Pinochet - The person who deserved death the most on this list was the only one to live into his nineties. There's a lesson in that for you kids.
That old guy from Everyone Loves Raymond - I'm glad it wasn't the red-headed chick from That 70's Show. She makes me feel funny.
James Brown - A late entry as I type this. Died of massive hair failure.
Now I have the Hogan's Heroes tune stuck in my head.
Steve Irwin's croctastic funeral? The new craze in wearing the flag as a cape? No, it's this little gem. A drunken Prime Minister John Howard, fresh from a Christmas party, calling up his good mate Stan Zemanek to tell him what a good root he is.
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'and yet we're hot on the phone to Alan Jones when that little girl gets hit by a car again. You know the one I mean.'
i almost rofled
almost
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